Lonely

I’m lonely tonight.  More than usual.  I’m sad.  I am hungry, and I know I need to eat, but there’s nothing in the house and dealing with food is just seeming really hard right now.  Money is tight, so ordering something to be delivered is a bad choice.  I don’t need someone to bring me food; I’ll end up doing something about it myself.  It would really be nice, and help me out a lot right now.  I wanted to turn to my wife and say that, and say “could you take care of it tonight?”  My wife’s not here, though, and this whole situation is just making me feel extra alone.

What’s cool about that is that I know exactly what thing it is that would help me right now, and not only am I willing and able to say it, I actually want to.  Before I would hold onto those things – I would tell myself what a wuss I was being, and that I shouldn’t expect that from other people.  And I shouldn’t expect it, but I can ask someone who cares about me to do something reasonable like that.  They might not be able to, or they might not be willing, or whatever, but I can ask.  I’m not going to ask friends to bring food to my house.  I considered it briefly, but I think that, since this is a want, not a need, it’s not cool to ask people that aren’t already here, or coming here for another reason.  But I thought about just saying on Facebook “hey, I could really do with this specific type of help tonight.  Can anyone help me out.”  And just, that I thought it would be okay to say that out in the open, that’s awesome.  It really is.  I’m not ashamed of my depression… or is this anxiety?  I think I might also have anxiety (side note).  But, yeah, I don’t feel any shame or guilt or whatever about wishing I had some help right now.  I also don’t feel entitled to it, or like people are against me or anything.  Like, I’m not sitting here going “no one would bother because they’re all jerks, and screw them all, and I should be waited on.”

This is a big new thing, and here’s why.  Before, I would let myself ask for this kind of help, but consider it a defeat.  I would do it because I knew intellectually it was the right thing to do.  I would feel guilty, and pathetic for wanting or needing it.  I don’t feel any of that.  It’s just a thing that’s kind of hard right now, and some help would be nice.  My illness is making it difficult.  It’s no different than someone with arthritis saying “hey could you cook tonight; my hands are really flaring up and it would be really painful for me.”  No different.  And I BELIEVE that.  I feel that.  It’s okay that I could use some help right now.  It’s okay that I want some help when I don’t actually need help, and it would be okay to ask people for that help if it isn’t putting them out too much.  If it was a need, I would ask someone, and I wouldn’t feel badly about it.  I’m really excited by this change in my outlook.  It is not something that used to happen, so this is an attitude shift that came from a significant change.  I’m healing from a lot of stuff.  I’m really happy about it.

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Jobs for my Friends!

Wow, I’ve been including jobs for my friends that are searching in my intentions in one of my novenas.  Today is the ninth day.  One got an initial phone screening that went well.  Another got a new job, pending final approval from the higher-ups!

So I have to thank God, and those whose intercession I asked for this intention: Holy Mother Mary, St. Joseph, St. John-Paul II, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary!

Acknowledgements

For their intercession on my behalf, I thank:

St. Rita of Cascia

St. Jude Thaddeus

Archangel Gabriel

Archangel Michael

St. Catherine of Siena

Our Lady of Victory

St. Dymphna

St. Sebastian

St. Teresa of Avila

Archangel Raphael

St. Kateri Tekakwitha

St. Maria Goretti

Mother of Mercy

St. Joseph

Holy Mother Mary

St. John-Paul II

The Immaculate Heart of Mary

All the souls in Purgatory

St. Duncan

St. Thomas Aquinas

St Augustine

St. Pancras of Rome

St. Francis of Assisi

St. George

St. Elizabeth Ann Seton

St. Christopher

St. Robert Bellarmie

St. Paul the Apostle

Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

Our Lady of the Immaculate Conception

Our Lady of perpetual help

Out of the Caves

When the feelings and the thoughts began, I believed
I was alone.  I was certain no one else was like me.  They would not
Accept me.  I was sure.  They would
Call me weird,
Call me a freak.  They would think
I was sick, and disgusting.  They would
Reject me, and I knew their rejection too well already.
I was not normal.
I disconnected.  I set myself apart.
What boy can live that way?  Not me.  I needed
To connect, and to belong, but I knew I could not.
I found people that not only accepted me, but they liked who and
What I was.  They wanted to share it with me! I went into their
Hidden world.  The more time I spent there, the more people I found
To belong with.  The more time I spent there, the more it became
My world.
My home.  It was
Safe.
I could do anything there.  Someone always wanted to join in.
Everything was okay there.
I was okay there.
Who I was was okay there.  In the open, in the sun,
No one wanted or would
Want me.  They
Hated what I am.  They’re wrong.  What do they know?  Everything they think, all their
Judgement was wrong, and I was perfectly
Fine just the way I was!  Fuck them.  Fuck all of them.
I belonged here.  Online.  With people that
Didn’t hate me!
I could be anything.  The people that liked me said so.
They were right.  They must have been.  Why wouldn’t they be?
I’m supposed to like who I am.

There was so much more there than I thought.  This cave of wonders wasInfinite, and I can have anything I see.
Deeper.  Coaxed.  Dragged.  Pulled.  Lured.  Tempted.  Pushed.  Walked.  Jumped.  Dove.
Enveloped.

I smell something.  I’m alert.  Aware.  Why did I come so far in?!  I never meant this.

Run back.
Walk back.
Stand still.
Walk forward.
Run forward.

Stop.  Go back.

No.  They tell me this is who I am.  Where I belong.  I can leave but I can’t change.  I listen.  I stay.  I revel.

Or I don’t listen.  They drag me.  I struggle, then I help them!  Deeper.

Or I run back to where I can still see the light of day.  If I can keep it in view, I’m safe, right?  Right.  Right?

The sirens beckon.  I know it’s a trap.  I am too weak.  I go.

Or I escape!  But… where is this place?  What can it give me?  I feel wrong.  I’m not like the people here.  I don’t belong.  They throw stones, or they will.  No, not in the sun.  Ah the sun.  The warm.  I can stay.  I belong.  They don’t hate me.

I hear the sirens.  Faint, but strong.  They sing to me of the pleasures within their caverns.  I don’t have to stay, they lie.  I won’t get lost like before.  Like every other time.  Not this time.  No.  This time I’ll know the way out.  I’ll just go in a little way, for a little while.  The sirens tell me I’m right.  I know I’m wrong, but I believe them anyway.

One step.  Two.  A dozen.  My old games!  My old friends!  My old toys!

I see more and run toward it.  It is familiar.  It is comfortable.  I know how to be here.  Be this.

Wait, I should go!
You are one of them, I say to myself.  Is that me?
You cannot change.  You belong.  You want to!  They want you.  Don’t fight.

I don’t.

I walk, run, I dive into pools of now, and want.   So warm.  So comfortable.  So suddenly cold.  Deeper.  I see more springs bubbling.  Those.  They will stay warm.  They will always be warm.

Each one warmer.  More cathartic to enter.  But so soon each turns cold.  And after a time, none are warm like before.  Tepid.  Better than the cold, dank air, but no comfort, just less cold, less cloying.  I want to go.  I want the sun.  I look for it.  I may find it.  I may not.

Sometimes I find the sun.  Sometimes I give up and search for better pools.  Sometimes the perfect pool appears telling me it will give me more than the sun can.  It lies.  I know.  I share the lie.
The lie is easier.

By day in the sun, by night in the cave.
I can’t tell you I live in the cave.  You think I am like you.
You think I am clean.  Good.  Warm.
I am not.
How could I be?
I sleep in the filth.  Among rats and insects.
If you knew, you would cut this tumour from you.
You, who absorbs the sun’ warmth, lets me suck it from you.
You are all that lets me ever see the sun.  Without you I could not, and would be doomed
To eternal darkness in the caves.
And I pretend you do not know.  Or even believe you don’t.

If I show you what I am
Where I live
You will know how I soil you.  Will you be destroyed?
Will you become like me?
Glorious beacon.  Warmth.  Light.
Clean air.
Fresh water.
Would I turn you into embers
Barely burning?
Dim.  Smoke.  Ash.
Mud.
I must not.
But I must cling to you or I am forever lost.
I have to leave, and live above.
With you.
In the light that lights you.
Let it light us both.
I have to cling.  Scrape.
Until I find the strength to leave these caves,
And never surrender to their lures and snares.
I must become what you think, or hope, or wish me to be.
I must do this without showing you what I am.  So you can believe
I always was.
So you never know
What filth and shame I attached to your person.
I want to save you from knowing.
I do.
Truly.
But also save myself the pain
Of seeing you know.
And the pain of you looking on me
And seeing my true self.

I tried to live my wish.
And that labour took more of me each day.
Each day, I had less
Energy.
Soon I had only enough for the
Illusion.
I could not climb out of the caves to spend those
Precious hours
With you.
At first, perhaps, unknowing,
You descended.
And then you knew, but I spent my full self
Pretending, and had nothing left with which
To see.
Your eyes opened, and began to see me.
Little by little.  Lot by lot.
In a frenzy I tried to prop up
My crumbling lie, In which I lived.
A pitiful shelter, but I feared having none.  When
It fell all around me, I was cold. Scared.  Naked and alone.
I was paralyzed.
I stood.
I shivered.
I wailed.

Slowly, slowly as
I stood on the cusp of our two worlds
I felt
The sun brush me.
Now I had no falseness
To patch and cobble back together each day.
Tired as I was, I had just enough strength to ignore the sirens.
To stand still.
To let the sun warm me.  To let clean air fill my lungs.
I became strong enough to venture out for clean water.
I felt grass beneath my toes.  It was beautiful.
But it was slow.
I knew I needed the sun.
To me, for so long, you and the sun were the same.  I wanted more sun.
Now.
I wanted to drive into this world as I could those wretched caves.
I wanted the full and good warmth of the sun
To give me
The instant warmth of the pools.
I lived below for so long that
I forgot the sun did not work that way.
The sun fills you
Slowly, but it lasts.
To me, you had become the sun.
And so I thought to be near you
Would fill me.  Quickly.
And so I came after you.  Trying to cling, as always.
I did not know that I was still a wraith.

Soon you saw that I was. You knew
A wraith would only return to the darkness and
It might drag you with it.
Wisely, you pulled away.  You walked farther from the cave.
Ran.  I chased.
So long as I chased.  So long as I pursued you, only a wraith could I be.
You fled out in the sun and that is
Where I followed.  And so
I spent my days In the sun,
And my nights.
Its slow burn healed and filled me, but I was
Only part healed.  I had
More strength, but still was
Compelled to bring you to me, and
Steal from you the healing light.
I was becoming a man, but
I was not one yet.  I was a half-breed, and so quickly could I return.
So easily I could suck your beauty from you, and drag you into darkness,
And we would both be drained of light and warm with nowhere to find more.  Together
We would huddle in the caves,
Wraiths, shadows with
No way to escape.

So you ran.  Far, and fast, and free.  It was
The only choice.
You have crossed a wide, fast river, and
We stand on opposite banks.
I see you.
Strong and shining.
You sparkle as the rushing water.
It has washed the stench of the caves,
Of me
From you.
I tried to ford the river
But you braced to run, and I stopped.
I look up the banks for a crossing, but
I saw none.  If I search for one
I know you will be gone, and
I will never find you.
Even if I am strong enough to swim, I am
Too dirty to be cleansed in a crossing.
You know this, too.  And I am not
Filled and strengthened by the sun.
I would seek my warmth from you, seek
To steal it.
I stand here on the bank.  I am no longer
Running after you all day long because
I cannot run on water.
I must stay here, on this bank.  I will make camp.
I will rest, and I will soak in my healing not from you, but from
The sun that can now renew us both.  Each day
I will bathe in the pristine waters and
The current will carry away another
Layer of my wickedness.
I will drink from the river and clean myself inside.
I will look across to the other bank, and
I pray I may still see you
Glittering in the sun
Every day until
The morning that the river has made e clean enough, and
The sun has made me strong enough that I can
Swim to you.

How Do I Prove It?

I did a lot of stuff wrong.  I did a lot of horrendous things.  I have changed, and I am changing.  I’m working hard, and doing it for real.  I’ve gotten rid of the destructive thing in my life that motivated me to make those choices.  How do I prove it… Just … what can I do?  I don’t care how long it takes, but how do I prove to someone that it’s real?  Someone that isn’t talking to me right now.  😦  I don’t know how to show it.  I cannot expect trust, or faith on this.  I have to show it concretely.  How do I show it to someone who won’t see me or answer me?  Help!

Wrong about a ton of crap…

I am actually just really relieved and so glad to realize I’ve been wrong and blind about a ton of the stuff that’s going on.  Not 100% — there are one or two things that I’ve been right about, and I’ll stand by that, but I’m hoping I have not done irreparable damage, for my part.  Fingers crossed.  A lot of praying.  Hoping and hoping…