Uncertainty about others, or what they’ll do. About what they want, or plan. About what you want, and whether what you think you want is what you want. Uncertainty is physically uncomfortable.
So here ‘s a post. I don’t really have anything else to say. New dose of meds seems to work great. Having a terrible terrible Christmas, in life-events terms, but managing it okay. What can you do? If I think of something more substantive to write, I’ll do that later. But I said I’d keep writing, so I’m writing.
Source: Worst Day in a Long Time
Someone read that post, who I hadn’t wanted to have read this blog. I had wanted it to be my anonymous vent to the internet. That person just tried to support me, and show me I was loved, and wanted to do whatever they could to help. I reacted by being angry, or feeling like my privacy had been violated. I hadn’t said “hey don’t read this thing I publish openly on the internet, because I want it to be my place to vent into nowhere.” I also knew that they knew about the blog. So, really, my privacy was not violated at all. I’ve regretted my reaction for a long time. It made me pretty much stop using this blog, and writing it had REALLY REALLY been helping me. For a long time, I’ve regretted my reaction, and that decision. If that person is reading, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I responded to your love and concern with anger, and indignation. I’m sorry I shut myself off. I was scared, and didn’t know as much about myself, and my depression, and everything else, as I do now. I was confused and indefinably upset. I regret it. I have consciously regretted it for perhaps a year. If you’re reading, thank you. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything you’ve ever given of yourself to me.
I’m going to use this blog again, and whatever I write here is for anyone to read. Including you. Maybe especially you. I hope you do. I hope I can give you what you tried to give me.
I want to help you the ways you need, and give you the things you need, even when they’re not what I wish you needed.
I just hope beyond hope I still have that chance.
For whatever reason, a lot of people seem to assume I’m closed minded. They think I’m inflexible, and that talking to me is pointless. Sometimes they think if I make a declarative statement in a conversation, I’m calling/considering the conversation over, and they stop. I really don’t know why. Even when my reply is more like “oh I had thought such and such, but” and before I can say “maybe you’re right,” they’ll just go “fine, okay, forget I said anything.” I normally can’t even get them to re-engage when I explain I was actually trying to say I might have been wrong. I don’t know what I do that makes me seem like that. What makes me seem unreasonable, inflexible, and immovable?
It’s contributed to a potentially life changing rift this year, and I want to change it. I don’t know how.
Over the last 20 years, nearly, I have gone on, and off, medication for my depression and ADHD. When I reject medication, it is because I want to show myself that I strong enough to handle my illness on my own, without help. What I have learned in the last two decades, is how misguided that is. I need, and have always needed, help. I need help from the people in my life. I need help from doctors. And, yes, to be my best self, I need help in the form of medication. I can get by without my pills, but that’s all it is – getting by. My wife deserves my best self. My clients deserve my best self. I deserve my best self. I’m not satisfied with getting by; I want more than that. I’m going to have more than that. That’s why I’m back on my meds, and that’s why I’m ecstatic about it!
I have no earthly idea how I am going to get to my best friend’s wedding at the end of this year. Does anyone have $2000 I can borrow? That’s just for flights.
And that was the case today. I cried in the shower – and I don’t cry. It’s a seriously big deal that I broke down and cried for about 45 seconds. I wrote the previous post, generally venting to the internet, and then laid on the couch depressed for a while. I got dressed, am heating up some lunch, and totally back to normal. Relieved, and happy.