Hurts too much to like. Had to reblog instead.

Haiku out of Africa

it was your last wish ~ I stand holding your goodbyes ~ in both of my hands — © Lize Bard @ Haiku out of Africa

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I deserve everything that’s happened to me, everything bad thing I have ever imagined happening to me, and more.

And this?  This is where I was when I ran away from God.  Because even God would have to hate me.  How could He forgive me?   How could He love me?

I still don’t know how, but this time I know He does  and this time I know that I don’t know better than Him.

This time, though my wretched passions tell me I want to die, to be annihilated, my reason tells me to run toward my God.  I am slow as usual, for my feet feel heavy, but I trudge, and I trudge after You, my Lord.  I will lift my cross, and follow You.

Better to recognize it at least

Whatever combination of depression and anxiety this is, it’s a familiar one.  It’s the one that makes me want to lash out at others.   It makes me want to yell and make someone else feel terrible.  It makes me want to scare them just enough so that they want to capitulate and do whatever will make me feel better.

And that is emotional abuse.  So whatever this is it makes me want to emotionally abuse someone who cares about me.  That’s messed right up.

But you know, I don’t think I’ve recognized this before – not this specifically and not while it’s happening. And now I can identify it.  When I can identify these things as they are starting to happen, I can stop them.  And if I didn’t stop it in time  I can apologize and ask forgiveness with genuine contrition and remorse.

As much as it sucks that I have such an evil urge, I’m thankful that I finally know how to see it and stop it.