I’ve spent the last hour telling myself it’s not okay to text you “I’m sick and I need you.”
I’m sick and I really need you tonight. I wish I wasn’t too sick for you. I’m sorry.
So sad. I don’t want to talk. I just want someone to be near me. The only one I could ever trust to be that person is gone, and that’s the reason I feel this way. This is going to be how it is from now on. Alone.
Is this empty home my life?
No cuts and scrapes?
No tears to dry?
No laughs to know?
No old joys made new?
No First Communions?
No “I hate you’s”?
No dad jokes?
No one to console and comfort?
No one to provide for? To protect?
No grandchildren? Baptisms? First Communions? Confirmations? Weddings? Vocations?
No movies and pizzas on Friday nights?
No prayers together? No rosaries?
No weathered hand to hold in mine?
No one in whose lined face to read my life?
Will my home forever be filled with this emptiness?
Mary and Joseph, fill it with the joys and sorrows of yours in Nazareth.
Mother dear, fill our home with your Son.
Crush the serpent.
Ave, Ave! Ora; ora pro nobis.
Let me share the light you bore into time. See my family filled with grace, that I may nourish the flame kindled in their hearts.
Pray for us, that we may be made worthy.
Regina. Mater. Maria. Totus tuus.
Let me show you!
Really. Can we do something other than the list of all the things not to do if you want to save your marriage? Because, except for the terrible therapist (the more I think about it the more I realize he was just awful at his job. Truly terrible.) all we’ve done is things all the experts say make it worse, and lead to failure.
Let’s try … Really try. For real. Come on. Let’s fucking try!
Today my depression is really bad in all the old ways. Hopefully it’s just today.