Suicidal Ideation – Not Gone but Way Better!

When I have suicidal ideation, it used to carry some level of intent probably 70% of the time.  Now it’s more like 15%, and it’s fleeting and easy to dismiss.  It’s also drastically less frequent.  I wasn’t tracking it before, but it was reasonably often.  Since I started tracking, it’s only occurred on 17 days out of 199.  It’s generally an invasive, fleeting thought; it’s the kind where I react by thinking “what?  no.  That’s ridiculous; get out,” and it doesn’t affect my day or my mood.  That’s been the case since the worst depth of the winter, and since I got some really awful horrible news that I am still trying desperately to see if I can change, because it’s soul-crushing.

So it’s a lot better.  It’s a big, big improvement.  8.5% of days, and if my 15% estimate is right, then only 1.2% of days does it have any power/meaning.  So that’s fewer than 5 days per year of a thought that’s actually troubling/dangerous.  I’ll take it!


I'm getting verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Here, I'll give you a topic...

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