When I have suicidal ideation, it used to carry some level of intent probably 70% of the time. Now it’s more like 15%, and it’s fleeting and easy to dismiss. It’s also drastically less frequent. I wasn’t tracking it before, but it was reasonably often. Since I started tracking, it’s only occurred on 17 days out of 199. It’s generally an invasive, fleeting thought; it’s the kind where I react by thinking “what? no. That’s ridiculous; get out,” and it doesn’t affect my day or my mood. That’s been the case since the worst depth of the winter, and since I got some really awful horrible news that I am still trying desperately to see if I can change, because it’s soul-crushing.
So it’s a lot better. It’s a big, big improvement. 8.5% of days, and if my 15% estimate is right, then only 1.2% of days does it have any power/meaning. So that’s fewer than 5 days per year of a thought that’s actually troubling/dangerous. I’ll take it!