I Shouldn’t do What I Want to Do

Someone did something/had someone do something on Christmas Eve.  It was one of three people.

If it was person #1 I’m thinking of, it was petty and I’ve honestly got to think mean-spirited.  That doesn’t line up with person #1, so I don’t think it was them.  If it was, it’ll feel like I’ve been kicked in the crotch.

If it was person #2, they probably think they were being supportive of person #1, and just wanted to be a dick to me.  They aren’t being supportive of person #1; they’re being supportive of what they think person #1 should do, which isn’t what person #1 wants to do.  And seriously just really wanting to stick it to me.

If it was person #3, it was either at person #2’s behest, or just because I guess I hadn’t talked to them in forever (I had inferred they no longer really wanted to talk to me much, so I stopped initiating conversation).

Person #3 and person #2 were spending Christmas together, while person #1 was on the other end of the country.  Person #3 would (I think) have had to be the one to take the action directly.  If it was at person #1’s request, person #3’s involvement is a completely normal action, and I’m really disappointed in person #1.  If it was at person #2’s request, person #2 is almost certainly gossipping about stuff that is not her f#%king place to discuss with anyone.  Person #2 is honestly just not the person I once thought they were.   If it was person #3 of their own volition, well, I can’t really say anything because it’s actually their decision to make about something that belongs to them.  I still don’ really know what would have been the impetus.  So I keep coming back to person #2.

That also means person #2 is either assuming/inventing things about me, or person #1 has been telling person #2 more stuff than person #1 admits.  I think it’s a combination of those two things.

So the thing I want to do is ask person #1 if it was them, or not.  I wasn’t sure if they even knew it happened, but then they said something on social media recently that leads me to believe they must be aware.  The thing itself is pretty trivial, but that’s why it would bother me so much if it was person #1’s desire or intention to have it done.  It would just have been either specifically to be mean to me (on Christmas Eve!) or to tangibly reduce the connection between me and person #1.  Either way it’s a gut punch.  I need to know at some point, but I don’t think it would accomplish anything right now.  I haven’t thought about it in a while, but it’s really bothering me again tonight, because of that post I mentioned.  So, I really really want to bring it up, but I know I shouldn’t.

There’s also a really really simple thing that person #1 said they’d do on Friday night.  It would have taken 9 seconds.  It’s nearly 7 pm on Sunday, and nothing yet.  I want to call, email, or text, and be like “so hey, that thing you were going to do Friday.”  That would be counterproductive, though.  It won’t get the thing done.  It won’t gain me anything.  It will only make things worse.  But then, I’m not sure about that, because part of me wants to wait for it not to get done, so that I can say “see it did not get done” when the deadline arrives.  It’s less so I can be smug about it, more that person #1 can’t deny it at that point, and also giving person #1 the opportunity to do it.  I don’t want to assume (read: reveal that I assume) person #1 won’t do it, and I don’t want it to get done because I took care of it.  I want it to happen, but I also want it to happen, or not happen, based on whether person #1 holds up their end, and follows through on the thing.  I feel like reminding them would be enabling this pattern of not doing things similar to this.  Also, me being pushy won’t help.  It really really won’t help.

So I have an intense, acute desire to contact person #1 about both of these things, but I know the smarter thing is to do nothing.  Doing the smart thing, and what I think is the right thing, is much harder than acting impulsively.  Self-improvement is hard, and it sucks that it’s hard.

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