I’m Freaking Scared Today

So tomorrow there’s a thing.  It’s important, and necessary, and should have happened months, or even a year or two ago.  It could be the start of something really important FINALLY moving in the right direction.  It could also be the end of everything.  I don’t know if everyone’s coming to the table with the goal of fixing and resolving things, and making them better going forward.  I’m afraid someone might be coming to lay down an ultimatum, or put a stop to the whole thing, or to prove/confirm that they’ve been right all along.  I’m terrified that this is finally the thing I’ve feared all along, and it will finally happen.

I’m nervous, anxious, and scared.  I’m restless.  I’m trying to distract myself but it’s hard.  I’m trying to remain positive, and to control my thoughts and emotions.  I’m having some success.  Honestly I’m pretty good at that when I’m doing well, and I’m doing well these days.  This is a powerful sense of dread, and it’s difficult to subdue.  if it turns out to be justified, my life is going to be change dramatically and immediately.  I will get through it, and everything.  I’ve already thought through a lot of what I’m going to do if that’s what happens, either tomorrow, or in the next couple of weeks or months.  I’m somewhat prepared, but I’m not ready.  I don’t want it to happen.  Above all else I want it not to happen.  I’m terrified it’s what will happen tomorrow night.

I’ve got just over 24 hours left of having to cope with this.  Wish me luck, I guess.

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