Thinking Deliberately

The post I wrote yesterday (Line Drawn Today) described how a really dramatic delineation happened in my feelings, and thinking.  The past is not erased, and neither is my memory, so I do remember the things that happened, and how I felt.  I don’t re-live and re-feel those things when I think about them, at least not here on day 2.  I’m remaining mindful of what I let go, so that I do not let myself reattach to it.

I was talking to a friend from uni last night, and some of it was about to creep into conversation.  I was about to say tell her about something, and I just said something like “you know, I’m going to stop, because I just let go of all that stuff, and I don’t want to get into a lather about something, and bring it back.”  I wasn’t able to do that before.  Before whatever happened yesterday, I could have said “I’m not going to talk about this” but it would have been because all the attached emotions would have already have resurfaced, and I would have been trying to suppress them.  This time it was simply “that isn’t going to help, and it might be a bad idea, so I’ll just not.”  Even though a  number or things had come to mind, here was no attachment, or emotional reaction.  I just made a purely cognitive choice that, you know what, not going to do that right now, because I don’t want to.  The word want is important.  I wasn’t scared of the topic, and I wasn’t being driven by any needs.  I just didn’t want to, so I didn’t.  Before yesterday, I would either have needed to say stuff, or needed to suppress it.  I didn’t need anything that time; it was exactly the same as saying “you know I don’t think I want a Coke.”

I still feel great today.  I still feel free today.  It’s calmed down now; I’m not feeling euphoric, or cathartic.  I’m just feeling positive, and content.  I’m really satisfied with my new outlook, and very pleased with myself, and the new place I’m in.

And it’s JANUARY, people.  I never feel good in January.  Going to have to give some credit to the adjustments to my meds, and to having started other treatment.  I’ve also been journaling for a couple of months now, privately in addition to on here.  I can write more stuff, more detail, when I’m not publishing it, obviously.  All of that has helped.  Including yesterday, I’ve had three catharses in less than three months.  I’m sure I’ll never really understand where they came from, but I just keep trodding along with things staying okay.  Things are even good.  Some days things are fantastic.  Winter days.  It’s a lot to be thankful for.  It’s a lot to appreciate.  It’s a lot to process when I stop to think about.

Each one of these three catharses has felt like an immense weight being lifted, and like being freed from some kind of cage, cell, or trap.  It’s both frightening, and emboldening, to realize the layers of overall bullshit I’ve been under, that I’ve shaken off massive amounts three times.  Presumably that’s not all of it.  I mean, yeah it’s scary that it could have been that much.  But I kept on fighting, and I kept on trying, and I am starting to win.

Today’s shaping up to be another W, and I want the start tomorrow!

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