Addendum, Jan 10: Follow up post here http://wp.me/p3IwKQ-3a
So, I’ve done some stuff over the last couple of years I’m not proud of, and it’s hurt someone I care about. I’ve been trying to resolve that, but it’s pretty difficult since I’m the only one willing to actively participate in that process. I put my side to bed today. I wrote a long message. I listed the whole litany of my sins. I really clearly, in no uncertain terms, owned my actions and choices, and acknowledged that I was responsible for them. I apologized unconditionally. I made firm, strong, commitments and promises as to what I’ll do in the future.
So there it is. I’ve done some of that in dribs and drabs over the past while, but I don’t think I’d done it fully, or that I’d hit at/acknowledged the basic wrongs that underlay my actions. I did all of that this time. So there it is. I’ve owned it all, now, and it’s up to the other person to accept my apology, forgive me, and move forward, or not.
So I’m pretty resolved that I’ve done all I can to atone for the past. I’m not rehashing it again. Now the other person needs to do something similar, s0 we can put it all in the past, and begin to move forward. Because I’ve got to tell you, this situation has been stagnant for a ridiculous length of time. I also don’t think that’s on me, at least not the majority of it. I feel like I’ve been stuck in that dumb place where you’re supposed to keep apologizing for the same things over and over. That’s a ridiculous place to be, because that’s just dwelling on the past, and wallowing in your shame. I’ve put the bad things I did behind me, and now I’m ready to move forward, whatever happens. I hope beyond hope that I don’t end up moving forward alone.