After yesterday (http://wp.me/p3IwKQ-2S) I realised today that I had not quite done my entire end. Tl;dr on the linked post is I’ve done some stuff that hurt someone, and yesterday I owned it, apologised for it, and promised to act differently. Well, as with all conflicts, there are two sides, and responsibility on both. I was hurt, too, but I have been aching, and longing for forgiveness. That weighed on me so heavily that all I could think of was being forgiven. I decided to pray that this person’s heart would be moved to forgive me, and then I realized I should pray for both of our hearts to be moved, to forgive each other. You see, I was so consumed by wanting forgiveness, I failed to realize that the other person must have been going through some version of that, too. So I prayed for us both to be ready to forgive each other. When I finished, I knew I needed to work harder, to try to bring myself to that place where I could genuinely forgive everything in the past. I decided to write it, even if I didn’t necessarily feel it yet, to move toward the place where I did feel it for real.
So I wrote again, openly and unreservedly giving my forgiveness. I’m not sending it yet, because I want to give them time to read and process what I said yesterday. I have no idea if they’ve even opened it yet, or if they will. I certainly hope so. I’m not sure how much time to leave between, but I guess I’ll figure that out.
When I started writing it, I knew it was something I would need to do, but wasn’t sure if I was really ready to do it. I was writing it because I knew I needed to get there, not because I was actually ready. As I wrote, I started to think about what it was going to feel like when I could forgive everything. As I thought about that, I saw the promise and beauty of that future. It inspired me. It was healing and cathartic. Whether I was ready to forgive before I started, or whether it happened as I was writing, and realizing, I don’t know. What I do know is that, at some point as I was writing, I did let go of everything. I released all the pain. I released all the resentment. I released all the anger. I truly did forgive. It was spontaneous, and thrilling. I feel free, and full, and reinvigorated.
St. Maria Goretti has my humble gratitude for her intercession, which has already secured a part of my heartfelt petition immediately following the first prayer of my novena. I am honestly in awe.