Edit, January 15, 2017: Wow. This is ridiculous. This was me listening to other people’s advice, and taking it to heart because it was self-affirming, and made me feel like I was less at fault, and also me trying to insulate myself against something I thought might be coming. Wow was I ever wrong. Wow was I ever foolish. There are a lot of posts like this, but I’m going to leave them up, because I think it’s more valuable for my evolution of thoughts and understanding to be visible as it happened, than to try to prune it to make me look better. So here it is. I was a bloody idiot. A selfish, egotistical, unempathic fool.
I don’t even know what it is I want to write. It appears no one reads this, or follows it. But someone specific might, so I don’t know how much of this I actually want to say. Well, bottom line, I need to be moving forward, not waiting for someone to decide if they want to do that with me, or without me. I can’t sit around and wait and see anymore. It’s just not manageable. I’m reaching my limit. Maybe I’ll say/feel something completely different tomorrow. I want to write angry emails/leave angry voicemails… I want to break things. I’m okay; I’m not going to do any of those dumb things. I just … am tired of someone making decisions for two people without actually attempting to involve BOTH PEOPLE! I mean, do they see it as a decision for only one person? If that’s the case… well they’re wrong, unless we alter some fairly substantial agreements, and change a lot of things. Which, again, should be something that BOTH PEOPLE are aware of. This is … really not acceptable. It’s really not. It’s really, really not. I’m repeating sentences and adjectives now so I guess I’m out of shit to say. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what I want anymore. Maybe it isn’t what I thought I wanted.