Worst Day in a Long Time

Today is just about the worst day I’ve had in … years.  I’ve thought about suicide several times this year, but I think today was the first time it felt like a real thought.  Basically, I have ruined my own life by not looking at reality, and/or not working hard enough for the past five years.  Expecting everything to just happen on its own which, of course, it doesn’t.  I’m just done; I just can’t handle how useless my life is anymore.  I’m nearly 32; I’m tired of living like a 21 year old, and I know my wife is ashamed of how little we have, and she probably thinks I’m a failure.  I can’t see a way forward tat doesn’t lead to a life that is either no better, or where I’m always looking back, regretting failing at something I should have succeeded at.  In reality, I’m probably just not capable of doing better.  Ironically, I started writing this blog because I thought I might be able to show other people that they can climb out from under.  And you can; you can overcome the damage done to you in life by others.  It’s the damage done to yourself that I don’t know about.  I don’t know what I want to do from now on, if anything.  I just can’t see a real life for myself.  I want to check out.  I want to run away.  I don’t want any of anything anymore, I just want it all to be gone.

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2 thoughts on “Worst Day in a Long Time”

  1. Re-reading this was really difficult. I want to go back and tell that guy the stuff I’ve learned in two years. I have regrets. I didn’t do the things I wanted to do after that – not all of them. It took me a long time to figure some stuff out, and now I’m getting back to being the guy I really am. I’ve sorted a TON of shit out, and, even though there’s more, I’ve realised just how much I can do, can fix, and can change. You CAN repair the damage you’ve done to yourself, you just have to get over the guilt and shame of having done it, and deal with the reality as it exists in the present. You cannot change what you’ve done; you can only change what you’re going to do.

I'm getting verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Here, I'll give you a topic...

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