Today is just about the worst day I’ve had in … years. I’ve thought about suicide several times this year, but I think today was the first time it felt like a real thought. Basically, I have ruined my own life by not looking at reality, and/or not working hard enough for the past five years. Expecting everything to just happen on its own which, of course, it doesn’t. I’m just done; I just can’t handle how useless my life is anymore. I’m nearly 32; I’m tired of living like a 21 year old, and I know my wife is ashamed of how little we have, and she probably thinks I’m a failure. I can’t see a way forward tat doesn’t lead to a life that is either no better, or where I’m always looking back, regretting failing at something I should have succeeded at. In reality, I’m probably just not capable of doing better. Ironically, I started writing this blog because I thought I might be able to show other people that they can climb out from under. And you can; you can overcome the damage done to you in life by others. It’s the damage done to yourself that I don’t know about. I don’t know what I want to do from now on, if anything. I just can’t see a real life for myself. I want to check out. I want to run away. I don’t want any of anything anymore, I just want it all to be gone.