I remember things in tremendous detail. I can exactly recall brilliant landscapes and vistas. I remember the exact words people use. I remember things I’ve done in every, minute detail. And that means I remember every embarrassing thing I’ve done or said. Some days I remember a specific event, for no reason. Something someone did to me. Something someone said. Or something I said, or did to someone else. Something that humiliated me then, or something that is humiliating to think about now. And because I remember it so perfectly, and so vividly, it eats at me. It eats at me like it just happened.
I also remember conversations exactly how they happened, and I know when someone is claiming things were said that weren’t, or claiming things weren’t said that were. And I know when people didn’t remember things that were important – at least important to me. It can get infuriating and demoralizing.
So some days, at any time, for no reason, I re-live the worst moments of my life. A few seconds of today was like that, and it consumed several hours after that. But I have this amazing memory, and so I can remember something else instead. I can remember I’m strong, and I can remember what I’ve conquered on the way to being who, and where, I am. And I know it’s better now than it was then. And then it’s ok, and I can be amazing again.