I keep wondering

This was set to private until now, because I didn’t know if I should publish it.  Tonight I know that I should.

via I keep wondering:

I keep wondering if it would help, or if it would matter, or if you would care, if I told you how much I still want you.  I love you in the emotional sense, as well as the philosophical/theological sense.  I respect you.  I respect your strength, and resilience.  I respect your conviction.  I respect your intelligence, your kindness, your compassion, and the devotion you showed me for so long.  In grateful for these things.  I love you for them.  I respect you for them.  I admire you for them.  I care for your soul and your salvation.  Above all I want to aid you in finding and following the path by which God wills to lead you to the Beatific Vision.  I do not love certain pieces of you; I love you as you are, as you were, and as you will be, and always in your entirety.  You are a beautiful child of God, and I would have you no other way than as He created you.  You are a human person.  I love you in all that you are, and in all the dignity you are due.

And, O God how I want you!  I want to touch you and to feel your touch.  I want to lose ourselves in each other again, in our passions and desires.  I want to know you physically, newly in the light by which I now see.  O my love, how I can see you now!  The shadows of sin and addiction and vice and selfishness no longer cast themselves across my landscape.  Even illness grows thinner so its shadows are weakened, and as the sun rises to the fullness of day, they are shortened.  And the glorious light!  The light I knew, but obscured for fear of its brilliance: I fear it no more.  Lo, I welcome it and embrace its power.  I stand aside that it may shine upon all that is before me.  How you are illuminated in this light, O dear one!  My desire for you grows in magnitude – in length and breadth.  What is more, my desire for you grows in virtue.  For, you see, I no longer wish to embrace the mere silhouette that once I coveted, and not with that old reservation born of greedy cowardice.  What is my desire now?  To envelop you, as you envelop me.  To throw open the gates of my very soul and launch, with all abandon, my totality onto, into, and unto you.  And that you will do the same.  We will leap into the sky together, dissolving into aether, swirling as winds about and through and within one another, both then reforming in the embrace our spiritual unity.  Beyond time and space, we shall glimpse eternity.  How I desire you.  How I long for you.  How my soul seeks its completion in oneness of flesh.  Only in you, my spouse, exists this fullness.  Only in you, my wife, exists this union.  Only in you, my wife, can my desires be satisfied.  In no other is it possible, for only to you am I bound, and only to you can I be wholly united.  I have no desire for a half life, nor for mere mimicry of the deep and total beauty of our married love.  What is this?  Straw.  Fleeting, fading, earthly shadows.  I long not for this!  I long for you, and you alone.  Only in the full gift of myself to you does the Lord grant a foretaste of my eternal home, and only your gift to me in kind does He offer it to you.  Each, we chose the other.  Our will and intellect presented our intention to God, and by the very matter of our bodies, with the form decreed through His Church, by the authority He placed in each of us, we commanded upon ourselves His blessing and His union, two becoming one.  Think of it!  As the priest unites to Heaven when he absolves, and when he confects, so were we united to Heaven as we united to one another.  And so do we again, in each act that unites the flesh, unite to Heaven.  How I long for you.  How I ache in body, heart, mind, and spirit to unite with you again!  By this it is my duty and privilege to be the means of your union to the almighty.  So is it my greatest blessing that one such as you became that means for me.


Already more than I can ever merit did God give to me in you.  To become, for you, such a great blessing as you are to me: this, my beloved, is the way God calls me to serve Him.  This is the way He calls me to love Him.  This is the way He calls me to unite to His mystical body in eternity.

O, holy spouse, how I desire you!


I’m getting Chinese food and watching “A Christmas Story LIVE!” I’m setting two places. You probably don’t read this, but I know it’s what we’d be doing if we were together, so it’s here if you want to come.

This month sucks

As it’s going to keep sucking more and more each day.

I keep thinking about doing horrible things.  It’s going to get worse.

Edit: I came back to delete this.  Because what if you read it, and said “oh see he’s trying to manipulate me again by acting depressed” or “he’s still too sick” or something, but if I do that, that would be going back to the old way things were.  The way of hiding reality.  So I’m not going to do that.  I’m going to leave this here.  This is how I feel right now, and I’m allowed to feel it.  In fact it’s the only thing I can do.  And I’m not going to keep it a secret, at least not here.